Hakuna Matata

2007-11-08T23:35:00.000+08:00

hello love.

after a full day of hangover, i'm just positively restless. what's traumatising perhaps, was one of my ex-colleague's female friends doing something disgusting underneath the table.

and she was wearing jeans! how can she do it with only cherie noticing? makes me wonder how many other girls do the same to avoid the lavatory queue.

today, i'm officially ending my 4-year relationship with Blogger. oh, how it had let me stick by throughout my tumultous teenage years.

this is what i am going to do next: chase gravity.

kudos to my mediocre life.

thanksgiving is everyday

2007-10-08T12:59:00.000+08:00

while waiting for the first episode of Gossip Girl, i'm suddenly inspired to write my thank you speech, person specific.

sometimes, honey, i don't really know what i'll do without you. you have made me laugh and cry and bawl, but at the end of the day i'm still more alive with you around.

i'll always remember it like it was. the night we first met, our first pillow fight, when you kissed me for the first time...

maybe one day we'll have 'firsts' with other people, but please know that you have kept my heart beating. you have reminded me on what makes a relationship work, and it's not superficial- really, there are no princes, metrosexuals or bank boys who can make me love them like i love you.

gossip girl is complete. :)

the great myanmar walk

2007-09-27T11:49:00.000+08:00

i think the situation is just utterly ridiculous. what threat is a buddhist monk to the rule of gunfire?

but then again, what about 100,000 of them, marching for the people?

what's worth admiring is the fierce determination of monks. i mean seriously, they are prolly the ones who really have nothing to lose. and if the country continues to be so poor and desolated, every burmese will have nothing to lose either.

that's what i call a motivated revolution. they don't really care anymore if you point a gun at them. they can't feed themselves, their loved ones and they haven't got a usable penny to their name. SO SHOOT ME, they say.

okay but you see, i haven't gotten to what's ridiculous- small talk. all the powerful countries who could do something don't do anything, why? because they are selling weapons to the junta. and the US and European Union says they are deeply troubled, like that's supposed to save a monk or two. WAKE UP YOUR IDEA CAN.

right now i just feel horrid for the people that have been protesting the past 3 days. i wish i can lend them some kind of concrete support. i wish that i possess their passion and drive to fight for what they deserve. sometimes things happen and it is sooner or later before you have to get off the fence and do something of use.

perhaps the greatest blasphemy is the collective passivity of God's children.

2007-08-21T10:49:00.000+08:00

at this very moment, i am sitting in the most dilapidated PR office that i can never imagine, my life is in crumbles and i have not even slept 6 hours for the past 3 days.

gosh, i am so willing to change for you, how can you ask me to turn back? even if a small part of me does want to know what it's like, you already have the rest of me.

why do we always care so much about the other person? and then one day we get quite tired of it and start yelling, then when the animosity doesn't go away, we regret.

2007-08-17T14:08:00.000+08:00

juke box: happiness- orson

all that happens is happiness,
happiness.

every once in a while we'll be inclined to reminisce, not doing so would seem like going through exams without a report card at the end.

i think i am relatively joyful today. in the most concerted irony i am sort of satisfied, enjoying a very routine life. it's been more than 5 months now, and as our relationship falls into place with both of our lives, we no longer have to fit each other in. knowing myself, i'll probably always wonder how it'll be like if i'm single again. i feel sad that i'm not achieving anything worth bragging about. unwittingly, i have lost the spark that was my pride and joy, in the process of finding a new identity with the boy i love.

does that mean that i can never love another as much as i love myself? trying to have the best of both worlds seems to equate not devoting enough to either one.

i wonder if anybody recalls the Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan? i did not read the book, but i had caught the film on tv recently. how can we fight for ourselves against the people we love?

2007-08-13T00:53:00.000+08:00

jukebox: daylight- coldplay

hello, world!

it's nice to know that my presence is somehow here, that anywhere i have a living internet connection i can leave a proof of existence for a random stranger to chance upon.

gosh, can i say that i've been happy? i think i can, in a really small way. i would prefer to use the word 'humbled', upon finding out how well most of my peers have done in their internship, how i've basically screwed it all up because i couldn't get myself to like what i was doing. it's a really bad attitude.

but it's about time someone told me that i might as well learn to live with this, you know? we might end up doing things we'll never like the rest of our lives, it's just how we try to avoid it.

i think it's also now that i should learn about luck- it doesn't come and go at will, the way it seems to for most people.

P/S: love might still be all around. :)

2007-06-21T23:25:00.000+08:00

being with you is the closest thing i've ever felt to completeness.

2007-06-17T16:21:00.000+08:00

jukebox: playgirl- ladytron

hell, we all change.

on a sudden whim, i decided to look through our old family photographs. it was a tender feeling relieving memories, with scraps of little events appearing in my brain from time to time, triggered by that shot of togetherness. back when my dad was around, seems as though the family looked pretty much complete.

several trends i've noticed in the photos:

1. my dad never smiles. or rather, he had just one semi-smiling photo and another when he was carrying a baby me, taken offguard.
2. my mother's spectacle frames became smaller and smaller over the years.
3. my sister was a lot cuter when she was younger. our baby photos looked almost identical, except we took turns being the fattest.
4. my eyes became really sad and droopy the year i turned 10.

time is so cruel. perhaps in this sense we can't be blamed for being selfish creatures, because we already have all these immediate things we should be worrying about.

it is amazing how people can handle change. sometimes we make a conscious effort to adapt to them, and other times we are just thrown into situations, like potato sacks.

i don't believe most of us will have expected us to be where we are, but i think we move on because of little goals that we set for ourselves, be it to pass your PSLE, become staff sergeant in your CCA, get into mass comm, or forget about dickheads.

i've been thoroughly inspired by this quote from Wole Soyinka, one of the people featured in Vanity Fair as Africans who have changed their nations. he said that people who can write should put the power of words to good use, because if they don't then they don't deserve their talent.

Wole Soyinka is a writer, playwright, and amongst many other things a Nobel laureate. i think that people like him are actually all over the place, just that many of us are afraid to expend on what we can do. and guess what? we are hardly living in poverty.

2007-06-09T00:56:00.000+08:00

i am going crazy doing blogthings.

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISFP)

Your personality type is caring, peaceful, artistic, and calm.

Only about 7% of all people have your personality, including 8% of all women and 6% of all men
You are Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

You Have A Type A- Personality

You are one of the most balanced people around
Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want
You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you.

When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back
Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love!
You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

You Are 75% Non Conformist

You are a pretty serious non conformist. You live a life hardly anyone understands.
And while some may call you a freak, you're happy with who you are.

Are You a Nonconformist?

Your Vocabulary Score: B-

You have a zealous love for the English language, and many find your vocabulary edifying.
Don't fret that you didn't get every word right, your vocabulary can be easily ameliorated!

How's Your Vocabulary?

Your Life is 66% Off Track

If you're honest with yourself, you have to admit that you often feel like you're living the wrong life.
It's a pretty easy conclusion to come to - because it seems like not a lot is going right.
Consider finding a life coach or mentor. You need some encouragement in turning your life around.

Are You Living The Wrong Life?

considering that most of my results are rather positive, i think i should start being a bit more skeptical about these little quizzes. it'll be horrible if i should base my life on such results, though i must say, it is definitely tempting to feel as though you know what the future has for you, and simply go out of your way to make things happen "like predicted."

2007-06-06T00:58:00.000+08:00

You Are An INFP

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.
Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.
It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.
You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What's Your Personality Type?

you know what? i think this result really makes sense. my mum, my supervisor, they are all unhappy with me. i would use 'hate' but i suppose it's kind of a strong word.

if only idealists can feed themselves better.

2007-05-29T00:08:00.000+08:00

jukebox: slow dance- john legend

"if you are an orphan, it means you were a bird killer in your previous life."

i speak in all seriousness that this is from the buddhist scriptures.

thou shall not cackle.

so jin came over today and as usual we had our talks after our favorite tonkichi dinner. i said, "you know, even though he's 23 i feel like he's our age, but when we date a guy our age it feels like he's 16."

"are you thinking about him now?" she asks.

"i think about him a lot."

i'll have to give it to anyone who admits to their own insecurities, because i can't. it is a joke that our man-made, self-conflicting nature deems the weight of bliss and pain heartwrenchingly equal.

dreams last for so long,
here and after you're gone.
i know, that you love me
and soon, you'll see
you were meant for me, and i was meant for you.

this song, if you were to pay the slightest attention, isn't the sweetness you might perceive at face level. it was written out of desperation, can you understand it?

2007-05-17T22:49:00.000+08:00

jukebox: p.d.a. (we just don't care)- john legend

i've pretty much come to terms with how my life has changed. when i told my mum about how i like the simple life of the boyfriend's family, she immediately replied:

"you're not like that. are you? i don't think you are."

am i not?

perhaps, the issue is that i'm not easily contented. perhaps two can be a crowd at times.

but one is plain lonely.

thank you, boyfriend, for being part of my life.

2007-05-11T13:42:00.000+08:00

juke box: love is everything- k.d. lang

it is more than strange, that two months have passed of being out on my own. from my big ambition vying for the shanghai attachment to finding myself at HBO, it's like starting from scratch in a less-than comfortable way.

compared to the stuff i get to do in school, i guess it's really different being an intern. i'm extemely fortunate to have nice supervisors who pretty much aren't vocal about my sheer show of confidence that i could only have pulled off in school, my cockiness seemingly the only method i know of how to survive in an almost dog-eat-dog course. the truth is that being genuinely nice is still the best way to get around in the real world.

at times i wish that i'm back in school, thinking that i'm learning the hard way and hence i'm invincible in my own right. being humbled and knowing my place is hardly giving a boost to the ego i've grown accustomed to having. right now though, i've realised that i want the experience i'm not going to get at school. i want the challenge of not having friends by my side and being on my own, even though it's slowly becoming tougher. there, the oh-so-great me can't handle loneliness.

as for tien chen, perhaps i found him because i had never known what i was looking for. you just kind of hop on when you have a good feeling and hope for the best.

love is so much more than kisses and spending nights together. friendship is more than simply being a listening ear, and that's love too.

2007-05-04T01:31:00.000+08:00

juke box: lips of an angel- hinder

what's this talk about having all the time in the world?

we have so much time for the perks and drinks,
the days of being silly under the tuscan sun.

we have so much time for boozing and
chain smoking,
starbucking and making fun of nuns.

of course, we have so much time for rolling on the bed,
sitting in cinemas till our butts turn red,
what time is there left for?

what's left for love but time?
if time is only created by choices.
what's left of time for friends?
if choices decide the tenacity of them.

---

i love him, but love is only this deep without everything else.

i need my friends but i've seen that not everyone is worth it.

oh and, family is underrated.

what is there to choose?

2007-04-12T21:49:00.000+08:00

plastered to: love me tender- norah jones

now that i feel everything is on the right track, it seems like i'm about to deviate and drop into the pits.

when your life gains some kind of regularity, there'll be some voice at the back of your head that reminds you of how good things never last, you know? all the time. and some shit will always happen, as though they occur just to prove your happy theories wrong.

how do we ever reach the point of marriage?

Love me tender,
love me sweet,
Never let me go.
You have made my life complete,
And I love you so.

2007-03-24T00:50:00.000+08:00

plastered to: Everybody Wants to Rule the World- Tears for Fears

hello world!

for the past month i have led a spectacularly dull life, which means i've been rather happy.

:) i KNOW. gosh, i should learn to get used to this.

anyhow, let's just sum the recent past up in a few sentences.

my GPA for second semester was a rather pathetic 2.58, but i suppose that's better than nothing. i survived, even if not very well. HAHA.

i've had about a month to bum off, and basically was too lazy to do constructive things like sign up for driving, or start on my personal script writing project.

in the midst of that, i spent my birthday at Genting. although my choice of company wasn't exactly expected, but sometimes we find that extraordinary feeling in new experiences.

last but not least, i'm no longer single. i guess i want to elaborate on that but i don't really know where to start.

i can't believe i'm actually in a relationship now, after a 3-year hiatus. and i thought i could hold out until i'm 50. it's really strange how things fall in place, one at a time, how the more you refuse to put in the effort for it the more it gets you, right in the heart.

and no, this one is not the guy i talked about in my previous entry. i've realised that when we decide to trust a person, we usually do so at sight. even if we would never want to admit it.

here's a something captured from the Genting trip. i was on the coach home, and this was taken from my seat:

who would've thought huh. :)

2007-02-28T04:34:00.000+08:00

Change the World- Eric Clapton

it shouldn't be up to me. it shouldn't have been up to me.

as murakami said, the problem is that people see perfection as normal. if you have issues you got to be mental.

why can't everybody acknowledge that we're all imperfect? goodness me, i need to stop thinking that i deserve better. i'm just as screwed up as the rest of the world. when a guy tells you that HE is the one you can trust, you're supposed to give him some faith.

you're supposed to stop loving your flawless little self and try loving him instead. even if it is just trying.

"Life is not about ideals. It is about standards of action."

2007-02-26T23:22:00.000+08:00

it has been two months since i last posted something here. my second year is finally over (despite the fact that i may not pass certain modules. ha), but it feels strange. no, it feels unreal.

without the load of work, i seem a bit more empty. i'm actually still getting used to not having something to do every second.

two months certainly wasn't a long time, but my priorities have changed dramatically. perhaps that's why i've given up another shot at a relationship, and life seems to resume like that guy never existed.

i do wonder how long it'll take before i break down and decide to have a guy around for the sake of having one. someday, i'll persist no more and give up waiting for the right person. who is the right one anyway? maybe he has already passed by and left without a trace.

i do think that i'm still young and hope might still be lingering in some obscure corner, but in some ways i feel i've gotten too old. i'm only turning 19 and yet i'm well weary of life.

if i would learn to trust, i'll probably be able to make things easier on myself. but i have, just that i know only to trust in how everything fails eventually, that people will disappoint. after 19 years, my most tangible lesson is the undeniable fact that everyone exists in this world alone.

love and companionship seems to be secondary.

2006-12-23T02:20:00.000+08:00

I'm Feeling You- Santana feat. Michelle Branch

i can't believe it, i have a hectic life, and i half-enjoy it.

sometimes people are really hard to work with. chimps have got to be easier.

i finally bought my family some kind of a Christmas present. i know, so bastard of me, but yes i haven't bought them anything decent in a while.

my personal life is in shambles, so i shan't try to pray for a nice year ahead. haha. although, most certainly, i pray niceties for whoever is reading this. :)

merry christmas.

2006-12-02T03:10:00.000+08:00

Almost Like Being in Love- Nat King Cole

finally, something to be upbeat and perky about.

finally, sgNewWave.com has been officially launched!!

you cannot imagine my indecipherable relief-cum-instantjoy when the today's Official Launch event was over.

it's finally up there on the web, taking its baby step to fulfill its purpose. perhaps someday we'll all truly have an appreciation for films beyond the hollywood or sobauntie formula. :)

for once in my life, i did something not because of merit, but simply that i wanted to do it. 5 months of this idea going on and off and insubstantial planning was made up for in a week of mad rush to get everything done. most importantly, i didn't have to be a one-woman show.

it's kind of like a relationship, no? it's always more miserable if it's about yourself at the end of the day.

thank you all who came and supported us! gracias helpers, co-organisers and everybody else who kept reminding me to stop being a bitch. :D

remember guys, visit sgNewWave.com. ;)

2006-11-11T00:47:00.000+08:00

Can't Stop Loving You- Ray Charles

i can't stop loving you,
i've made up my mind,
to live in memories,
all this lonesome time.

it's true,
friend-therapy does work,
and work therapy generates miracles in letting go of mistakes.

i'm pretty excited now because i'm going to be organizing a pretty upscale event. i'm too afraid to talk about it now because i'm scared to death that i'll screw up at any point in time.

:D

getting over isn't so bad.

and roy, don't feel too upset about confinement! hehehehe.

2006-11-04T16:11:00.000+08:00

a·sex·u·al (-sksh-l) Pronunciation Key
adj.
Having no evident sex or sex organs; sexless.
Relating to, produced by, or involving reproduction that occurs without the union of male and female gametes, as in binary fission or budding.
Lacking interest in or desire for sex

this is it. i have reached the epitome of desire.
i don't even want it anymore.

2006-10-29T22:59:00.000+08:00

Only When I Sleep- The Corrs

from a really long time ago, that was it. no more boys.

boys are stupid.

i don't know what to expect of myself except that i'll keep expecting.
people always say things like, "why you party", "don't party so much," and they give you that 'tsk tsk' look like it's supposed to make you feel better.

fuck, alright. right now, in your youth, you have only short term solutions and temporary insanity or a long term goal and permanent madness.

but of course, either way, it hurts to fail.

2006-10-19T22:43:00.000+08:00

A Change of Seasons- Dream Theater

right, i got itchy and decided to update. i think the new look's pretty apt.

i have also included a section of my personal recs. for books and films, under 'scars'. will update this now and then.

currently, i'm reading this:

i think it's going to be something like The Little Prince, you know, so deceptively naive.

school has begun, and with it for me came sickness from too much partying before term started. and of course there was insomnia, brought over from imagining the day as night.
i don't like this one bit.

i was reading through my old journals (i make it a point to be habitual about this) and i found this quote from Before Sunrise:

"If there is any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something I know. It's almost impossible to succeed, but... who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt."

this is the reason for my itch. :)

2006-10-03T20:41:00.000+08:00

Walk This Way- Aerosmith & Run DMC

the season of break-ups is over, or so i've heard.

this blog is going to be very rarely updated from now on; it seems to have lost its meaning. people start this so that they can tell others about their lives, but the more we desire to tell the more we realise that it's better to be quiet.

silence is golden, if you compare silence to french fries.

2006-09-30T00:48:00.000+08:00

"why can't people just say what they mean?"

2006-09-23T00:56:00.000+08:00

Vultures- John Mayer

I BOUGHT IT I BOUGHT IT!!!

:D actually i've already previewed the CD quite a few rounds, but it just feels nice owning the real deal.

i will be his 10000th concubine even if he's not interested. hehehehe.

anyway anyway. following is a collage of the first few pictures i took with my DSLR. it's not very good and no, i didn't go to the temple to take this.

the pictures are RAW! unphotoshopped! only resized.

do you notice how the Buddha looks different in different angles? he looks patriotic, tired, happy yet silly at the same time.

i like photography. it was just funny when val and i used the DSLR to cam-whore for about two photos, before we realised it was a pretty daft idea.

it's taking so long
i could be wrong, i could be ready
but if i take my heart's advice
i should assume it's still unsteady
i am in repair.

2006-09-18T01:21:00.000+08:00

Look After You- The Fray

i was so appalled by the nominees for MTV's best rock video!! the only decent one was RHCP!
i mean, goodness, what in the world happened to rock with 5 beats and classic guitar solos? panic! at the disco? AFI? those are friggin' fusion and screaming. they are not too bad sometimes, but they are just NOT rock. and seriously, if you're not axl rose, DON'T even attempt the whole screeching thing.

sorry, i'm highly adamant about this! it's a very fine line between what ticks and what irritates.

plus i'm kind of excited. john mayer's album is coming out in a few days, Sexy Back is stuck in my head, and i managed to have a civil talk with my mother about getting my second tattoo. i've mentioned it to her before, but this was kind of like a "look i'm getting it no matter what you say so you might as well agree" conversation. and then i proceeded to telling her about the horrors of body piercing addiction and how i'm so never going to be into it, because tattoos are different. :)

we celebrated david's birthday on saturday, and it was honestly quite a reunion. even david lee came! whom i haven't seen since i left church! all hip hop "yo gangsta" now. hurhur. :P

i'm actually in a pretty nice mood, but i'm not going to say it out loud. you know, whenever people are so confident of something, bad stuff always hit them in the next moment? quite freaky, but i guess that's life.

so i'm not going to claim my happiness out loud.

[edit]
pardon me, i just realised that it's already the 18th, and Continuum was out 6 days ago. no wonder i felt like i forgot something!

2006-09-12T16:50:00.000+08:00

Motion Picture Soundtrack- Radiohead

finally! i had time and i learnt Bread's "If" on my guitar. i'm going to improve myself so that i can actually finish a complete song. :P

oh and, i've officially lost my job. i guess no decision comes without what-ifs, and yes it does irk me a bit then i've given up just like that.

but i've got more time to goshoppinglearnnewsongsreadgoodbooks now! :)

suddenly life seems to be in full motion; i've got so many things to achieve.

2006-09-05T23:48:00.000+08:00

Spinning- Zero 7

rest has become rather short and elusive of late.

i need to spend more time working on sgNewWave.
i am working on a kids' central shoot in the coming 3 days, 7am onwards.
i have to make sales or i risk getting fired from my telemarketing job.
i don't know what sexual fantasy i'm going to dress up as for vernia's party this sunday.

aside from today, my social life has been reduced to a bare minimum. i guess, in a way, this is the price of knowing what i want. i can't seem to stop trying to outdo myself.

P/S: the people in Sudan are fighting again. woo hoo, another round of genocide to add to the misery of 2 million homeless people.

2006-09-02T14:34:00.000+08:00

often i get secretly upset with myself. some things you don't show, because people mistake them as seeking pity.

other times i'm openly furious with myself. these things you can express because people don't know if they can emphatize.

there's always that need to let it out, you know? but even then we have to be careful, and learn to discern if we can have that privilege of seeking understanding, in order to feel a little better.

anyway, the telemarketing job i've taken up is so not working out. other people have been so lucky, managing to get people who are already interested. me, i get angsty old people who are plain sarcastic on the theory of free lunches.

why do they have to take it out on people?
but i guess i cannot complain because i have my own money-making agenda.

shaun and jarryl are playing battlefield now, so i'm passing the time.

i really hope my company will fire me, so that i can at least get some pay.

2006-08-28T15:37:00.000+08:00

How to Save a Life- The Fray

"People make love for so many reasons, why can't money be one of them?"

it was a fantastic film, shot purely in 1978 Singapore. gosh, chinatown was beautiful. even the prostitutes looked better. there were awesome witty dialogue that is impossible to find in any local film, for now or ever, in my opinion.

Jack Flowers: Now, the Chinese, they go for Australian girls, y'know, big-boned. The Germans usually go for Tamils. The British don't give a damn as long as they're young and boyish, isn't that right, Colonel?

Col. Gunstone: Indubitably.

Col. Gunstone: Well the Americans, they do a lot of hugging-up in taxis, y'know. When they go home they write letters. Girls are always after me to help them answer 'em.

though i have to admit, we really do fall under russell peter's classification of cheenapoks, next to Ben Gazarra. :P

i'm thoroughly enriched by all these exposure to films, though sometimes i feel a chick flick wouldn't hurt. there's so much to absorb and appreciate, but i'm not much of a genius. owells!

2006-08-25T22:22:00.000+08:00

Pump It Up- Joe Buddens

okay, am slightly missing the R&B days. :)

exams are finally over and done with, found a pretty neat-paying job (though i hate telemarketing), and looking forward to spend time with tony parsons and to hunt for a nice copy of The Iliad.

am quite sick of alcohol now, after last week's major intoxification. :S

i have goals!
this shall be a fruitful holiday. :)

2006-08-22T14:39:00.000+08:00

hurhur. got this from crystal's blog:

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

2006-08-20T23:28:00.000+08:00

My Cherie Amour- Lisa Ono

my cherie amour, lovely as the summer day.

i think my life is almost complete.
mummy got me my camera today; it isn't top of the brand but definitely sufficient. soon i shall invest in lenses and photography lessons if i dont get into photojourn next year.
i have only 3 passions in life, and my boyfriend, currently consisting of my ibanez guitar and DSLR, is missing a head. :)

but that's okay! because looking for love is a lifelong mission.

some of the people that make up my boyfriend's heart:

2006-08-17T16:08:00.000+08:00

Falling- Chris Coco

ohmygosh i had the worse hangover, at a very inappropriate time.
MOS during exam week is bad enough, but indulging in that flaming lamborghini was just quite stupid of me!

what i hate most about drinking is that terrible headache that empowers every inch of me WHILE i get to sleep. i'd much rather be one of those drunks that have no clue where their toilet bowls are, so that at least i become a fairy of some sort and neglect taking showers before going to bed.

i had tons of fun though. when i wasn't falling on everybody. :S

PR exam this saturday.

2006-08-12T16:24:00.000+08:00

Life for Rent- Dido

if my life is for rent,
and i don't learn to buy
i deserve nothing more than i get,
'cause nothing i have is truly mine.

when it's time to rest, i feel like i've had too much of it.
when you crave for fun, it's not always there. and when it gets so weary, everything rushes at you.

so it's either you have something, or you don't. it's just not things, because it's the same with time.

like someone once told me, the middle ground is for losers. it's for dumb people who think they are fantastic, and for great people who have no confidence in themselves.

i think i've become cold. jin and i caught The Lake House the other day; classic sob movie and all, but i didn't shed a single tear like i would have.
i hate it that i'm so into details, because then i won't be affected by such things.

something's wrong and i can't find lisa ono songs. hmm.

[edit]

from post secret:

2006-08-07T20:42:00.000+08:00

Far Away- Nickelback

something is possibly wrong when people giv up good films like Sideways to watch the sad and pathetic meteor garden.

i have yet to break my annual ritual of watching the entire set of F4 love stories. the best part is doing this in the mids of impending deadlines and a severe lack of rest, resulting in substituting sleep with food.

i'm becoming a sad pimpled overweight workaholic babboon/loser.

2006-07-31T15:18:00.000+08:00

Be Mine- David Gray

sometimes i think i'm morphing into the emotional men who write such sappy but wonderfully soothing songs. i've become melancholic and potentially needy to goodness-knows-what. shouldn't it be men who cry out, "be mine, be mine?"

i've finally found the time to do some research on DSLRs, and gosh nikon is just whopping expensive; a 6-megapixel from them costs more than a canon 8-megapixel. i had contemplated buying from soong's friend who's selling her DSLR, complete with lenses, but now i realise that perhaps i'm still too much of an amateur to make full use of such a comprehensive package.

it is actually rather frightening for me to think about photography as a career, but now that i've dipped my toe in nothing seems like a better choice. very few people in singapore have embarked in this, but i want to do more than take pictures of myself, you know? i may not have israel or the beautiful chiang mai in my portfolio; not even the classic CDB skyscraper views or chinese ornaments, but i think the pictures i take come not from observation but from experience. that's more important for me i think.

perhaps reading stuff like Time has also influenced my decision. i genuinely want to show the truth with my camera, to be right in the heart of the lebanese-israeli fight, next to bird crouching on the crocodile, or to take photos that help poorer kids get money for proper food, clean water and education. i was really disappointed when anita kwan said that singaporean youths these days aren't cultured enough to be doing bigger things like that. i'm sorry, but working for lime and such has never crossed my mind. it's not that i have overbearing confidence, but i want to do so much more for people. i hope i'm not cussing myself.

2006-07-27T20:36:00.000+08:00

You Are the Sunshine of My Life- Lisa Ono

my late night affair with my creative journal turned out to be in vain, because mr shan has extended the dateline.

no matter that i'm currently feeling worn out, utterly exhausted, yo me cansado.
i brought my little ray of sunshine out for macdonald's and ice-cream today.

so when we were eating, i observed her, and it was clear how much she has matured. we carried on a proper conversation, talking about how she liked her food, about our other cousins, about our family, our grandmother... and imagine all these taking place between a 6-year-old and an 18-year-old.

in the midst of our talk, macdonald's staff gave out free balloons and my little sunshine was, without a doubt, offered one. :) other kids jumped and had this childish sort of excitement, but she simply took it and smiled. when she found the balloon to be hassle to eating, she decided to stuff the balloon beneath the table while other kids insisted on showing it off.

sometimes, i feel like she's a lot more grown-up than i am. the way she spreads her tissue nicely on the table so that she can clean her hands after eating; how she makes sure i'm not disturbed when i'm resting, or simply her affections often makes me want to reflect on myself.

i worry quite a bit about her future, the world being so harsh already and all. but mother often reminds me that she's, after all, not my kid. she seems so innocent, yet she has already dealt with having a bastard for a father, her endless popularity with boys (my grandma had to fend off an incessant caller) and that tantrums don't bring you anything at the end of the day.

2006-07-23T15:33:00.000+08:00

The Great Gig in the Sky- Pink Floyd

life without an ipod seems a little short of mundane. assignments have actually become less daunting, but partly because i'm procrastinating a lot less.

today is the wedding dinner, a short and simple affair considering it's their second marriage. we're going to some ching chong restaurant with the old folks, so i don't think dressing up is necessary.

it's weird but, so many thoughts are going through my head that i cannot sieve the important ones out. maybe it's having a stepfather and not knowing how to address him, or perhaps it's the ridicule of thinking about the same person for 3 years, even if it doesn't matter to him.

sure i've liked other boys in between, but they don't exactly mean anything at the end of the day. i guess just knowing that i've tried giving to one person is enough, even if i never actually have.

i have this theory, that the more you think about such things, it'll go away sooner. kinda like repeating the same scene, the exact feeling, the unaltered words, till the scenery blurs, and the feeling fades, and then the words just go awry and you forget all its hidden meanings.

the flip side is experiencing the agony of reliving nostalgia, every second of every moment till it goes away. and who knows how long that will take. in the meantime you become a nitwit even if your idea of an intelligent chat is through a lifeless computer.

i wish everybody is replaceable.

2006-07-19T17:30:00.000+08:00

i had the classic example of a fucked up day, and it's not even over.

first,
i lose my ipod at the bus stop. i realised i dropped it the moment i got onto the bus, and when i went back 5 minutes later some bugger had already taken it.

second, i get a D+ for my PR news release. what happened? i messed up my lead.

third, i get a C+ for radio. a 25% grade, which means if i'm lucky i might get a C for radio this semester. loads of people got A.

forthly, drew, timo and i got fucked for bringing food into the radio daw.

i'm not using 'lastly' because i don't think that's the end of it.

this is the time when you feel some sort of deranged anger against the Big Guy Up There. why did you make me so stupid?

2006-07-18T23:51:00.000+08:00

Save Me- Jem

my mother and The American got married today.

i liked the fact that i was given extra money just to ferry myself to and fro from school to R.O.M. and back, and that i got to buy myself a nice dress for the 2 minutes we were in the solemnization.

i'm happy for my mother. i've never seen her smile the way she did today, in my life.

it was funny how the registrar pronounced his surname as "La-Belly".

2006-07-15T02:25:00.000+08:00

Love Generation- Bob Sinclair

i missed Baybeats again; mum tricked me into wearing heels that dug into my foot. it hurt so much that i didn't want to go dancing and bleed.

but i had val for excellent company under our blue stars! :)

sometimes, i feel so pathetic because i keep holding on to things that don't matter. when shit happens they don't usually make your life any more constructive, just that the moments stay in your head forever since they always felt like nothing more worthwhile could have happened.

so we keep replaying these memories in our heads, hoping that it'll hurt less and less but that we'll never forget them.

as they say, it's self-preservation.

2006-07-11T23:18:00.000+08:00

The Blower's Daughter- Damien Rice

"Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet there was one."

i've soaked myself in 3 amazing films within the span of 2 days; first, Perth: A Geyland Massacre, then Closer, and Natural Born Killers.

Natural Born Killers is this classic directed by Oliver Stone, basically full of violence and gore and used by Stone to criticise violence in the media. you kinda just become awestruck after watching it, as it drops subtle hints of how everybody screws themselves up with the world put in violent films.

Perth is a local movie that lots of people are roaring about after its screening at Cine.Sg, and i've managed to rent the DVD. the funny part was that my mum's fiance was watching it with me; it's the first Singaporean film he has ever watched and the first phrase he prolly heard was "motherfucker".

I was most immersed in Closer, out of the 3 films. the irony, the language, the sarcasm, they make me gush and feel stupid for not realising how genuine and how fake relationships can be, simultaneously.

"How can one man be so endlessly disappointing?"
"That's my charm."

my favourite character has to be Alice, because i admire how she doesn't need things. she's one of those who makes split second decisions and simply doesn't look back.

what i'll do for that kind of courage.

when can we learn?

recently, i went out with you. you were all the wit and humour like when we were together, but you're not the same. even if you don't care for this, goodbye, i don't love you anymore.

oh, and i'm going to interview the producer of Perth tomorrow, so i'm tremendously excited. i've got a ton of questions for him. i hope he doesn't stand me up.

and this song is absolutely haunting, especially when it was playing in Closer. it's nostagically replaying in my ears.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky.

2006-07-11T00:49:00.000+08:00

Heaven is a Halfpipe- OPM

haha i must blog about this!

once upon a time, on the bus 33, we had whiffs of the most horrid stench in the world (comparable to the rafflesia flower) coming from the Reggae Mama, an old hippie who lives in jaja's estate. however, besides smelling unpleasant, she had other quirky habits which included butt and croutch scratching, both of which i had the misfortune to witness.

now fast forward a few months to about 2 hours ago, when jaja and i encountered Reggae Mama again. she approached us for a cigarette while still carrying her infamous signature scent. and this time, we heard her speak.

IT WAS A MAN'S VOICE! holy craparoos.

she's a shim!

even though this analysis seems rather shallow, one has to experience Reggae Mama/Papa in order to fully comprehend such repulsive and conclusive thoughts.
:S

now most people think of heaven
they see those pearly gates
but I looked a little closer
and theres a sign says "do not skate"
so if you wanna come to my heaven
well we're all gonna have a ball
and everyone u know is welcome
cause we got no gates or walls singing..

2006-07-08T15:08:00.000+08:00

When the Weather is Fine- Thirsty Merc

I know that sometime
When the weather is fine
I will be with you
I’ll be with you
No one can see
What the future will be
But I’ll feel for you
I’ll feel for you.

i've been feeling severely drained the past week, with the deadlines that finally ended yesterday. i'm never going to do things last minute again.

the fatal mistake of:
insufficent rest + last minute stress + Friday evening shift at F&B + staying out (with a little bit of alcohol and the lack of real exercise)= BAD

sometimes i think i may have been adopted, because i'm so different from the rest of my family. they don't do these things.

well, besides my dad i suppose, but he doesn't count now.

i'm spending saturday night working, and i irritated the shit out of everybody at work yesterday because i didn't know i had to pack the food myself when customers want to takeaway, there weren't enough spoons to go around for the soup so i asked the manager if i could use plastic ones, and he told me to go wait at the dishwasher, then there was something wrong with the stupid order thing and when i bugged the manager, i realised i just had to press one button.

and of course i kept knocking into people, so much so that eventually i was rather annoyed with myself. i'm actually quite a useless person when it comes to practical work.

i tell myself that it's good experience, but things will be a lot better if i weren't so concerned with proving to my mother that i'm not a 3-minute-patience person, because then i'll quit this very second.

it'll be nice to have an arm around me now.

2006-07-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

Gold Lion- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

BLOODYBASKETFISHCAKEBANANAS!

i am so angry!

here's what happened:

i was jovially listening to my ipod when my bus, 145, sped towards the bus stop. so i quickly ran and stuck out my hand to flag it down, but GUESS WHAT.

the baffoon of a driver stuck his tongue out at me and simply drove away!

he looks somewhat like this:

what a basket! what an idiot.
he's definitely not getting my vote for Bus Driver of the Year. :/

well, and on to more important things:

sgNewWave is on a roll! loads of things are happening, slowly but surely. it's basically an e-zine which hopes to change the film culture of singapore, through critique and appreciation. sorta like saying that a film is good not because it's merely popular, but because of its filming techniques, its storyline, consistency etc. i think we are all smarter than slapstick movies, aye? :)

currently, there are mass commers and fsv students on the project, and it's due to launch in september. i'm quite excited yet rather fearful at the same time, but things seem to be going quite well. :) will be updating on sgNewWave quite often from now!

2006-06-29T21:27:00.000+08:00

Pink- Aerosmith

Pink as the bing on your cherry
Pink ´cause you are so very
Pink it´s the color of passion
'Cause today it just goes with the fashion

finally, i feel like i'm doing something with my life. :)
i hope sgNewWave gets to go far!

here's a rough draft of the banner i did for the site:

so it suddenly feels like i'm sucked back into the cycle of work and partial relaxation periods, and i genuinely enjoy it in a love/hate kind of way. a favourite phrase of mine nowadays: "i feel like i'm not studying, but working!"

this is THE kind of living. now that i'm here i cannot comprehend how people can slack their time away. there's so much to do and a ton more to experience.

JAJA's birthday is in 2 and a half hours!

and xinyi, thank you. :)

2006-06-21T14:09:00.000+08:00

omgosh i am so fucked.

i finally plucked up the courage to visit the doctor today. i was more worried about the chest pains than my previous black out incidents, but it turned out that my lungs were fine. as for the latter, i have this medical condition called syncope.

i did my research. in syncope, your blood pressure drops due to varying reasons, for example crowded places, flashing lights, alcohol, a sudden change in body position, etc. it is apparently an extremely common medical condition, since most people faint like that at least once in their lives.

then why don't i see it in other people?!

Lygophilia (Greek: lyge, "twilight") is a desire to be in dark or gloomy places .

Usually Lygophilia is not so much a disease as a choice. People who are lygophilic like to be in dark places, or travel at night.

the way i see it, it's like telling me to give up half my life. i might as well buy myself a leash and keep myself at home so that i won't faint while running across the road and die.

it's so unfair. the minute you have some kind of sickness you become a burden not just to yourself, but to other people. and there's nothing i can do about this syncope shit besides becoming one of those people who do nothing but have tea time day and night.

i can't keep being so bloody wilful, but if i have to be so deathly afraid, i won't be able to experience anything the rest of my life. like if i go bungee jumping and hyperventilate, i can... sigh.

but most importantly, i don't want to be a burden to people who are nice enough to care.

fuck.

2006-06-20T01:16:00.000+08:00

Karma Chameleon- Culture Club

i'm so bored out of my mind that i've decided to come up with a list of my most impactful reads, before i battle between watching Wimbledon (the cheesy movie) or Spain VS Tunisia.

in random order,

1. The Unbearable Lightness of Being- Milan Kundera
2. To Kill a Mockingbird- Harper Lee
3. The Minotaur Takes a Cigarette Break- Steven Sherrill
4. Lolita- Vladimir Nabokov (absolutely sinful!)
5. You Shall Know Our Velocity- Dave Eggers (this was quite messy really)
6. The Alchemist- Paulo Coelho
7. Eleven Minutes- Paulo Coelho
8. East of Eden- John Steinback
9. the whole Dave Pelzer trilogy
10. 1984- George Orwell
11. Lord of the Flies- William Golding

and not to forget all the Love Stories and Sweet Valley books that, honestly, made up my vocabulary,

plus Adam's Navel which i have yet to finish. (all the body parts stories are getting a little dry, but i'm now reading about breasts.)

reading is a good book is always such a joy!

it's funny how i gradually grew out of my country bumpkin style of 'hokkien and chinese only' to being more proficient in english. the only reason why i started reading was that my primary school best friend read a lot and had fantastic grades, so i wanted to be like her.

but that didn't work because she went to RGS and i went to New Town! ahahaha. still, there's nothing of my secondary school days that i'll ever give up. :)

2006-06-19T01:30:00.000+08:00

Murder on the Dance Floor- Sophie Ellis Baxtor

and it has been one week since i got my job at fish and co., though honestly i've somewhat lost the excitement i harboured about earning money.
it doesn't help that the pay is quite measly, but i suppose the ambience and nice people make up for it. though of course, there are the occasional nasty ahems.

i've come to realise that i don't need the job at all! quitting crossed my mind, but i decided that i needed the challenge.

i cannot keep sticking to the same old things i know, even if it's safe.

right now we're at skinny malcolm's house, and i'm currently in one of the XXL shirts that he used to have to wear. hahaha.

i wish i have the kind of determination that he has. change is good.

heeHeeX!

2006-06-12T23:58:00.000+08:00

No Such Thing- John Mayer

a conversation with edwin a few days ago about his friend:

edwin: my friend cute anot?
me: okay lah. quite.
edwin: you know ah, everytime i go out with him, at least got 3 or 4 times got girl ask him for his number.
me: haha! then i bet you're jealous right!
edwin: no, i 5 or 6 times.

you must understand that i cracked up because he said it with a straight face.
:D

and currently i am infatuated with naruto! i can't bloody stop watching it and i'm so annoyed. kinda like what j.lo said about hating something so much that you just want to keep watching and watching it so that you can detest it even more. hahaha.

italy versus ghana in 2 and a half hours!

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

2006-06-10T15:55:00.000+08:00

Time After Time (Cindy Lauper cover)- Matchbox Twenty

i can scarcely imagine how it's like to be so fundamentally outgoing. it's like your whole life is built on being with other people, but not your home. that happens the moment you gain your independence.

i've come to realise that i'm only out with my family when i have nothing else to do. i can hardly remember a time when i gave up being with my friends so that i could spend some time with my loved ones. and that's wrong because they are, after all, possibly the only people in the world who will love you forever.

perhaps that's why my mother is perpetually mad at me.

i often think i have such a great life, but the essence of it lies really lies in other people, and not myself. i may not need relationships like i need water, but i want it bad enough to live half a life of death if i don't have them.
haha. sounds a little dramatic, but that's just me, if you know me.
we are all interdependent.

2006-06-06T22:27:00.000+08:00

Fat Bottomed Girls- Queen

today, i saw one of the most beautiful people in the world.

she had the kindest eyes anyone could ever have. somehow it draws you to keep looking at her. she was fat yes, by any measures, and people would probably find her quite ghastly in her short, fuchsia sundress, but there was something about her presence that makes you want to tap her and say, "hey, i think you're such a beautiful person". she was practically oozing nice-ness and had such a pleasant aura around her, and when she smiles it's like Mother Theresa just sat in front of you.

have you ever seen a person like that? confident yet not arrogant, wise yet not overbearing, beautiful yet unhypocritical. i feel as though i know her like my sister. she's unique. i want to be like her.

fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round.

2006-06-06T00:07:00.000+08:00

Plastic California- Stereophonics

some love, some hate.

a few things on my list of to-says:

elizabeth taylor has contracted dementia! sort of like Cleopatra going "gong-gong", if you know what i mean.

i've signed myself up for almost everything on sgNewWave; design, core team, journalism. i'm prolly gonna kill myself over something i've finally found a genuine interest in. :D

those aside, my head is filled to the brink with questions.
when do you know when to tell and when not to? on one hand she's one of your best buddies, on the other you don't want to ruin things between other people. perhaps feigning ignorance is a lot better if things can be kept down. but doesn't the one affected deserve to know what's happening?
i'm at this point when i don't know if i should feel guilty. i'm clear that i have good intentions (for example, a friend steals another friend's expensive $4 eraser and you feel obliged to tell the truth), but i didn't think of what may happen after. perhaps if you were to keep quiet about the theft, the two people will still remain great friends. but let me stress that this is merely an analogy.

2006-06-03T14:10:00.000+08:00

If I Fell- The Beatles

the more important things in life:

family
friends>
future

it's really a lot easier when you don't put yourself in the list of Priorities. :)

i'm glad i was there for my family last night. yet again, the unfortunate women who marry into my paternal family have to suffer the consequences of loving total bastards. i'm not usually crude but i don't see the point of saving courtesy for a particular 40-year-old who does not deserve any niceties. gosh, he should do the world a favour and shoot himself upside down.

something to ponder about:
why get married if you were never sure?
why start a family when you know you cannot commit?
why have a son when you are never there for him?

why are people like that these days?
the divorce rate in singapore is currently about 40%. so do people from the x-generation regard children as a thing that can be discarded or shoved around?
i'd rather be lonely the rest of my life than be this selfish.
i'm ashamed to call my uncle family.

2006-05-31T11:26:00.000+08:00

Sweet Emotion- Aerosmith

sweeeeeeeeeeet emoooooOoOotion.

i am happiest when i'm buried under assignments.
because then i've got nothing else to think about!
:D

and goodness me i wish we'd all stop this gossipping nonsense already. what's so mortally wrong with being close to someone of the opposite sex? the moment you're a little closer to someone with a male anatomy, someone immediately asks, "she likes him ar?" "are they together?"
good God. unless people catch so-called "couples" making out in the toilet, we should just keep comments to ourselves.
we're supposed to be better than such petty conversation. it's almost as though gossip has become the surest channel of finding something to say. i won't deny that i have such tendencies too, but perhaps it's time for a change and simply assume the best of everyone.

i guess it all boils down to Newsworthiness!

2006-05-29T14:45:00.000+08:00

Under Pressure (live)- My Chemical Romance & The Used

so far, the only piece of work progressing well is my creative journal. we really bring it upon ourselves you know, pushing it all to the last minute. hurhur.

i'm optimistic about the rest of this academic year, in a i-can-deal-with-it sort of way. perhaps not doing so well with other people stimulates me to go "find yourself", be it in books, music or in building new friendships. and of course there is the option of burying my thoughts six feet under, moving on with due stress and to sail out as the tide comes. mass commers are practical, no? and i'm really regretting screwing up the fmss thingy right at the beginning, showing attitude and being a total bitch and all. i guess i didnt look that far.

hopefully God will be nice enough to let me redeem myself elsewhere! time to grasp opportunities. :)

2006-05-26T23:27:00.000+08:00

Black, Black Heart- David Usher

i'm feeling stupid for all the stupidest things.
we like to think we don't care.

i've decided to stop taking online quizzes (excluding the quirky ones), because I looked through all my results again and realised how unaccurate they are. what confidence and humility and being the colour green; these are as true as believing we'll have company our whole life.

i'm genuinely not used to feeling lonely. you get a call here and a call there, you make a few dials yourself, hang around a little, and it ends quietly on the bus home. it feels like i'm permanently on a low point, entering sub zero forever.

i won't ever be happy again.

I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

2006-05-25T00:18:00.000+08:00

People Envy Your Confidence

You have the attitude and self esteem to take on anything. Failure is beyond not an option for you - it doesn't even cross your mind.
People envy your ability to take on any challenge ... and they're secretly afraid you think you're better than them. You don't. You're just sure of yourself.

What Do People Envy About You?

You Should Weigh 170

If you weigh less than this, you either have a fast metabolism or are about to gain weight.
If you weigh more than this, you may be losing a few pounds soon!

How Much Do You Weigh?

[wtf? i can almost swear i'm 110 or 111!]

Your Values Profile

Loyalty:

You value loyalty highly.
You're completely devoted to your friends and family.
Even if they totally screw up, you're still there for them.
Just make sure they're equally loyal to you!

Honesty:

You value honesty a fair amount.
You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it.
If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it.
In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity."

Generosity:

You value generosity a fair amount.
You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take.
Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need.
But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"!

Humility:

You value humility highly.
You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are.
And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better.
You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

[i think everything's accurate except the humility part. i'm not very humble!]

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

2006-05-24T03:40:00.000+08:00

Mad Life- Dishwalla

Roy's home!
Some of us went to fetch him today, wasting money on cabs and supper at Newton after that :P He looks like a cheena boy now! i know he's gonna read this, so yeah :D i can't believe he had been gone for more than 24 months...

and Mal's coming back in June!

oh and, would you believe it but it's week 5! 2 more weeks before common tests, 2 weeks of break, and then 7 more weeks of the next term, then common tests, and we're done with one whole semester!
who says time waits for anyone?
though, if certain moments would freeze and die i would be this close to a perfect life.

2006-05-20T15:20:00.000+08:00

2006-05-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

Be Be Your Love- Rachel Yamagata

Everybody's talking how I can't can’t be your love
But I want want want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Want to be your everything, everything

annoyingly, time passes in standard motion.
perhaps life has never been really horrid or nice, it simply throws its tantrums every now and then, until you realise the trick is to let it do whatever it wants. gradually it loses interest in making you unhappy, and your frown fascinates it no more.

once you personify life, it loses.

you fall in love,
and out of it.
you lust,
and find your face in the dust of sahara.
you are stagnant,
yet complain of boredom.
you embrace change,
only to yearn for stability.
so what are you?

2006-05-16T00:31:00.000+08:00

Angel- Dave Matthews Band

Take the quiz:
What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)

Moonlight
You have moonlight eyes. Moonlight is the color of mystery. Your eyes symbolize your ability to see yourself as others see you. You have finesse for letting other people know what you think. You have a soothing and calming ability that you may or may not know about. You have the awesome ability to draw a person's negative energy out and replace it with a positive energy; the world needs more people like you. Some words to describe you: patient, self-controlled, perseverance, insightful, reflective, understanding, serene, and caring.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

i think people are generally the same.
be it fat, short, thin, fugly, neurotic, retarded or beautiful, we look alike. if there were 100 types of eyes, 60 million people share the same pair as yours.
i suppose it's your heart that makes you unique.

2006-05-15T01:19:00.000+08:00

I Could Be the One- Donna Lewis

I would lie here in the darkness
I would lie here for all time
I would lie here watching over you
Comfort you
Sing to you

I could be your worry partner
I could be your socialite
I could be your green eyed monster
I could be your force of light
I could be your temple garden
I could be your tender hearted child
I could be ordinary
I could be the one

time is passing too quickly.
technology is moving too fast.
money is being over-printed in poor countries.
souls are doomed to condemnation in the cities.

i've got the z.a. facial mask thingy on my nose, in a bid to get rid of dark, stringy stuff called blackheads.
it's addictive. once you start caring about how you look, you become obsessed. soon your skin won't be able to breathe, and you'll be campaigning to bring down oil prices so that lipsticks remain affordable.

it's not gibberish!

oh and, do you know of anybody with truly high EQ-cum-IQ? like at least a 130 on both or something.
contrary to what i usually believe, i think such people do exist.

i could be ordinary,

i could be the one.

2006-05-12T17:33:00.000+08:00

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.
Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.
Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.
You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

2006-05-12T16:35:00.000+08:00

Say Hello (Paul van Dyk remix)- Deep Dish feat. Anousheh Khalili

something's wrong with the tagboard and i don't know how to fix it, so yeah.
let's make this a one-way communication.

it was great hanging out at the void deck with my closest(s), somewhat in the manner of vodka-induced hobos (hahaha). it's only people like them who see through both your plus points and your flaws. we can have fun and watch movies with any stranger, but it's not the same when you're pouring your heart out, being utmost certain that you're not going to be judged; simply listened to and understood. and genuine friends do that for each other.

if anything i'm amazed at how the past 5 months turned out to be such a great tide of animosity. things happen and i suppose we have to get used to not having a comforting arm around all the time. it's times like these that forces you to break away from conventions and certainty, exposing yourself to change, be it radical or subtle. having a lot more alone time nowadays has pressed me to think of action plans for improvement, instead of my usual empty declarations.

mistakes identified, so it's time to rectify them.

2006-05-11T17:02:00.000+08:00

One Sweet World- Dave Matthews Band

One sweet world
Around this star is spinning
One sweet world
And in her breath I'm swimming
And here I will rest in peace

thanks fizahh for the song!

it's once again near the end of the week, and i just had to visit the Butter Factory last night so i'm rather drained.
Blame It On My Youth. :)

i keep telling myself how sick i am of all the late nights, but i don't seem to be adhering to any of my resolutions. i haven't felt so weak-willed in a long time. then again, maybe i just don't want to change. that's bad in a moralistic sense.

i took a 5-second look at my life thus far, and this is what it consists of:

alcohol
ciggies
panda eyes
clubbing
mass comm.

nothing new, innit!
and oh oh, ROY is coming home. hahahaha.

2006-05-07T01:00:00.000+08:00

I've Got Dreams to Remember- Otis Redding

i thought i should share the sweetest girl in the world. :)
i was prepared to give up grandma's for a night out two evenings ago, until i realised that i could pop over and then go to my friends. this sounds unfilial, but i have to claim guilt. i haven't made grandma smile in a long time. if we do take notice, all you need to do is show that you care. it just takes a little effort.

I know you said he was just a friend
But I saw you kiss him again and again
These eyes of mine, they don't fool me
Why did he hold you so tenderly?
I've got dreams
Dreams to remember.

something happened, again (is this the word?).
i can't help but feel as though a need has been satisfied, right where we were hidden from the world and yet could see everything. what is intimacy with love and intimacy without it? and when you find yourself on the cab home and everything was over, it might have never occurred at all.

have you ever had that feeling?

2006-05-05T16:22:00.000+08:00

TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN

2006-05-01T14:15:00.000+08:00

In the Crossfire- Starsailor

i've been having weirdass dreams lately.

two nights ago, i dreamt that i was involved in some kind of government rebellion, with the mass communists (forgive the pun). the front parts were blurry, until the part where i was in some kind of news office. two terrorists came (they look a bit Pakistani-ish), and shot joel and (possibly) jj, who were standing outside the door. all of us panicked as the terrorists barged in. as i scrambled around for my life, i cannot recall how but i was somehow on the floor, right in one terrorist's path. in the background, jarryl was saying something like, "don't shoot me! don't shoot me!" and when the terrorist pointed his shot gun at me, jarryl said "shoot her! shoot her!" (hahahahaha) terrorist glared at me with menacing eyes, and shot me at my belly, exposing all my innards. thank God i didn't feel pain.

the ironic part was waking up in my dream, as though i recovered from that incident, with my body sewn up and repaired and all. and life simply resumed. then i regained consciousness for real.

according to dreammoods.com,

To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person.

so what if i were shot and came back as the exact same person?

oh and, there was another dream. i was again with mass communists and this time, we were queuing up for a job interview. this time, i forgot to bring my resume.

[edit]

Entrails
To dream of human entrails (your own or another's), signifies horrible misery and despair and little hope for happiness.

well, not the first time innit!

2006-04-29T06:10:00.000+08:00

Run- Snow Patrol

so it's 6 in the morning and i'm feeling exceptionally emo.

the night out at zouk was great with the mass commers. a few glitches here and there and the birthday girl was a tad tipsy at first (winks), but i had fun! save for my fainting spell which left the guys no choice but to fight the crowd so that i could have some fresh air.

it's not the first time that i abruptly fainted. it started when i was 8, and i collapsed at the mrt ticket gantry. the previous time was last year, when i merely tripped on the stairs at lynn's place and blacked out. i actually saw flashbacks of my life, and in the seconds that i was in complete darkness i thought i was going to die.

doctor said it's because of the low calcium level in my blood, and possibly my low blood pressure.

anyway, a huge thanks to all you people who took care of me! especially poor heikal. hahaha.

and my current resolution is to stop buying ciggie packs from now on. *musters a determined look*

2006-04-25T23:51:00.000+08:00

Now and Always- David Gray

first day of school was spent mostly in a space labelled 78, and activities included eating and stoning, and stoning.

sigh. perhaps it's PMS, even though i've never liked this excuse much. cigs sure made me feel better though. i think it's the most reliable source of comfort, as long as your mother doesn't find out and you have money to waste. :P

may the world spin better and never run out of water.

Lately- David Gray

2006-04-23T14:11:00.000+08:00

i like the title of David Gray's new album.

Life In Slow Motion.

lately, nothing's been the same.
the skies fall a different way,
the oceans sway to another tune,
of which is it a meaning to you?

school is starting tomorrow. i'm feeling rather apprehensive about this, and this oppression has been growing day by day. again, it's that dreadful foresight, the strange deja vu, the "future-isn't-going-to-happen-the-way-you-expect" oddball feeling.
i'm afraid i won't be able to change as fast as i have to.

Taste the broken hearts
In the vacant lots
See the fruit that rots on the trees
Try to turn my head
Leave it all for dead
But it’s in my mind always

Honey lately I’ve been way down
A load on my mind
Honey lately I’ve been way down
Load on my mind

Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness- Smashing Pumpkins

2006-04-18T23:28:00.000+08:00

got this off pearlyn's blog:

*Three Things*
Three things that scare me:
1:	love
2:	commitment
3:	butterflies
Three people who make me laugh:
1:	malcolm
2:	BAOLING
3:	wai kit
Three Things I love:
1:	music
2:	family/God
3:	nightlife
Three Things I hate:
1:	vegetables
2:	being stood up
3:	assumptions
Three things I don't understand:
1:	God
2:	love
3:	menopause
Three things on my desk:
1:	Lolita! Humbert Humbert
2:	cell phone
3:	clothes
Three things I'm doing right now:
1:	watching prison break
2:	thinking
3:	eating
Three things I want to do before I die:
1:	have one great love
2:	backpack around the world
3:	write the world's best song
Three things I can do:
1:	sing in the shower
2:	write
3:	play sad songs on my guitar
Three ways to describe my personality:
1:	spontaneous
2:	impulsive
3:	stubborn
Three things I can't do:
1:	cycle
2:	play the piano
3:	lose weight
Take this survey \| Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

it took me a while to fill that up.

anyway, i'm currently on Prison Break, and i'm hooked. no, not just because of wentwood miller.
apparently, in this series he has a psychiatric disorder which makes him perceive things differently from normal people. to us, a lamp may be just a lamp, but to him a lamp is the shade, the light bulb and the stem. it's a disorder because people go crazy analyzing and taking in every bit of everything.
so i tried that while i was on the way home. suddenly, every bit of dirt and scum seemed so illuminated; the leaves fell a certain way and landed to form patterns; veins hidden on the palm of a fellow bus passenger became prominent, and sound is not just sound. it's waves.

if you blessed with a high IQ, having such a disorder only makes you a genius.
i wanna know what my IQ is!

2006-04-16T14:05:00.000+08:00

All Out of Love- Air Supply

this song has been stuck in my head ever since the quiz.

last night, was wild.
the music was great, the people were fantastic, and GOODNESS a party doesn't get any better than this one!

thanks Azharrrrrrr!

although, i left halfway through because i was too wasted. i don't know why but i let myself go in this one. heck, it was embarrassing, because i remember every little stupid thing i did. according to drew, my premonition came true! everybody was gone.

i wish i didn't smell so much of puke, then i wouldn't have to go home. my mum saw.

drama ensues.

2006-04-13T22:20:00.000+08:00

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.

How does the world see me?
This Photograph is Proof (I Know You Now)- Taking Back Sunday
so what did i do that was caught on camera?

Will I have a happy life?
I Want It That Way- Backstreet Boys
OMG

What do my friends really think of me?
Unbelievable- EMF
AHAHAHA. really!

Do people secretly lust after me?
Sea of Doubts- The Observatory
what a let down.

How can I make myself happy?
Babylon- David Gray
"Let go your heart, let go your head, and feel it now".

What should I do with my life?
Above Ground- Norah Jones
"Now i know i'm ready, sipping wine from a glass, can i make it slow and make it last?"

Will I ever have children?
In Your Hands- Hillsongs
spot on!

What is some good advice for me?
(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman- Aretha Franklin
so i'm not natural enough?! maybe i just lack a proper guy.

How will I be remembered?
83 (Live in Birmingham)- John Mayer
"here i stand, 6 feet small, and smiling cuz i'm scared as hell"

What is my signature dancing song?
Castaway- Green Day
hmmm. quite perky

What do I think my current theme song is?
Let Love Rule- Lenny Kravitz
so cheesy!

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Do You Remember- Jack Johnson
well, i haven't got such a someone to remember... perhaps its never about moving on

What song will play at my funeral?
Never Gonna Get It- Sean Biggs feat. Topic and Akon
wtf?

What type of men/women do I like?
Switch- Will Smith
i swear im NOT a player!

What is my day going to be like?
All Out of Love- Air Supply
i take it that the coming day's going to be lonely.

[credits to fizah!]

so i took the nosedive and end up with results that tell me how love-deprived i am.
it irks me that i'm not enjoying singlehood as much as i would like to.

2006-04-12T00:49:00.000+08:00

Satellite- Dave Matthews Band

Satellite in my eyes
Like a diamond in the sky
How i wonder.
Satellite strung from the moon
And the world your balloon
Peeping tom for the mother station

i wish i'm a guy, so i can sing their songs properly in the bathroom.

it was weird, talking about to dave about the future when i argued with him scarcely a week ago. he says that you can work towards your dreams, but most of the time you never achieve it.
in my opinion, success is a matter of how much you yearn to taste it.

so, hopefully i'll want it bad enough!

i'm looking forward to azhar's party this saturday. i have this premonition of everybody getting wasted. :D

2006-04-09T15:14:00.000+08:00

Infinity- Merrick

so i spent the night at a LAN shop.
it was fascinating how time passed. while they DOTA-ed, i researched on the Da Vinci Code. it was fun when i tried my hand at gaming, but i was just too slow. downright embarassing. i killed like, 3 people at CS.

nowadays, i'm developing speech problems. it's not just the content, but my stuttering is coming back. there are times when i would take ages just to say a sentence, and blink profusely while i'm at it. and yes, look like a blooming idiot at the same time.
i realised that i never have that problem when i don't think before i speak. but as social situations require greater discretion, i cannot be impulsive anymore. people simply cannot give you the benefit of the doubt. i should try some D.I.Y. speech therapy.

2006-04-06T20:23:00.000+08:00

I Like That- Houston feat. Chingy, I-20 and Nate Dogg

i'm often amused by the names african-american rap artists give themselves.
Phuture has me in an R&B mood!

anyway, the New York Times just reported on the discovery of a complete 375-million-years-old skeleton of a "fishapod", in other words, substantial proof of fish evolving into land animals back then.
and they had to mention about about how creationists said the lack of evidence like the above-mentioned disproved Darwin's theory of evolution. i think it's stupid.

personally, i prefer the Bible's story of how the world came about, since i think it's quite an insult to have chimps as our ancestors. not that i'm being condescending, because i do respect animals, and they are a part of our world as much as we are of theirs. but there's a reason why we happen to be the ones building Eiffel Towers and not them.
on the other hand, we cannot look away from clear evidence of evolution. i just wish people would realise that the skeletons found have been of fish and tetrapods, and not of humans. so don't bring any of that creationist crap in. maybe God simply created animals, as was said, and they evolved. for us, perhaps we were butt-ugly and had buttons for noses in our first appearance, but we look better now. well, most of us anyway.
and what the hell is wrong with that? i just don't get why people have to inject so much bull into the story of our existence. we're complicated enough as it is. i would say that God is constantly creating and shaping this world as long as the word "change" still applies. the day He stops is prolly when Jesus comes back or something.
all those scientists should stop thinking so much.

2006-04-04T19:43:00.000+08:00

Gravity- John Mayer Trio

i spent my entire afternoon curled up at the National Library, reading about Frank Sinatra.
what would one call him? a Philanderer, a Star, a Legend, an Adulterer, or a Dream that Fizzled?

time was well-spent today, on solitude. it's like i was telling ko ko, that one gradually gets tired of being on the move. you start by spending weekends at home; it would feel weird at first but you get used to it, and then finally, you don't desire getting out anymore. when solitary, you need to consider nobody but yourself, care for none, weep for no one.

then again, you also smile for no one.

nothing is perfect, i suppose. not crowds, not solitude.

2006-04-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

Who Did You Think I Was- John Mayer Trio

support originality!
i almost died when i saw the John Mayer Trio CD lying around in Music Junction. i had to have it la.

well besides that, jin stayed over last night after making a sudden arrival from Krabbi, or however you spell it. good that she came back early. the best part was that she was recovering from food poisoning too, so she didn't mind when i farted or burped or both.
i like having best friends staying over. we feel sick together and share lazy afternoons of doing nothing but being spineless and talking.

so i was having this thought about commenting on other people. sometimes we tell them not to do certain things out of concern, but at other instances it's merely because they don't fit into our perception of who they should be and we're annoyed by that. more often than not, the case is the latter. we think we care but we're just irritated, and that gives us no excuse to be judgemental. who are we to say who's sweet and shouldn't be doing this or that, or it's okay that he drinks or smokes or eats a lot because he looks the part?

whenever i'm with jin, i spend most of our time talking about myself. i don't really mention stuff like such and such a thing happened today, but more of what i think about what's been happening. it's kind of like word vomit and i have guts only to spew on certain people. i suppose it's the same for everybody. we were talking about being mediocre, and she asked, so how you do know if you are? she compared me to a particular individual and i had to admit i was on a better end, but then if you tipped the scale another way i was just asian peanuts.

which is why i say that it's easier if 3 ways of life didn't exist:
sensitivity,
comparison,
complication (which sometimes can be a result of the afore-mentioned).

if nobody is ever sensitive, comparative or finding ways to complicate their lives, then there is no need to ever practice any of the three. and of course we say that life will never be interesting without such miseries, but they won't be interesting when we're going through it insteading of gossiping, or, in a nicer manner, talking about it. sometimes people forget that everything is a choice.

i hate people saying "it's because of circumstances that i..." didn't or did this and that. it's irresponsible.

oh, and a couple of days ago we had this gathering at nydc. loved the pictures.

2006-03-30T11:12:00.000+08:00

Nothing Like You and I- Perishers

We spent some time
together walking
Spent some time just talking
about who we were
You held my hand so
very tightly
And told me what we
could be dreaming of

There’s nothing like you and I

We spent some time
together drinking
Spent some time just thinking
about days of joy
As our hearts started
beating faster
I recalled your laughter
from long ago

There’s nothing like you and I

We spent some time
together crying
Spent some time just trying
to let each other go
I held your hand so
very tightly
And told you what I would be
dreaming of

and yes, i stupidly came home from thailand with food poisoning that had me writhing in pain since the last day of our trip. my tummy still feels queasy, and i suspect it was the snake whiskey. haha. mum rebuked me for being too adventurous, but then what's the point of going overseas? ;) i feel bad that she has to take care of me though.
it was a fun trip nonetheless and the experiences gained are priceless :) fancy riding on a bright red Vespa with leather seats! and eating grasshoppers and chocolate-filled prata which they call "rotee". shopping was great, along with Thai massages and most of all, the filming was unforgettable. how often do you get a chance to interview people of different nationalities in an entirely foreign country? first there was Wut, who was great and helped us out ALOT even after the interview, and the 5 mass comm girls whom we all clicked with so well (seems like we're the same all around the world.. haha), and of course the Vespa gang! though initially i had a bit of a bad vibe from one of them during the get-to-know, they turned out to be really nice. guess i was a tad judgemental on that :S

but most of all, it was great getting to know more people like anisah and andrew and charity and everything, plus of course the t102 girls. those 2 weeks are going to take up big chunks of my memories. :)

so yes, now it feels like it's going to be a new semester. my grades aren't too bad and right now school's filled with uncertainties i don't want to fathom. i rather everything remain a mystery; it's easier to be kept in suspense, no? then there is no need for plans, or prophesies, or predictions.

There’s nothing like you and I
So why do I even try?
There’s nothing like you and I

2006-03-24T11:37:00.000+08:00

Too Far Gone- All-American Rejects

4 more days left before i head back home.
if the earth was flat and we might find comfort every second, i'll want to live in chiang mai forever.
list of activities we do everyday:

smoke
drink
play stupid games
film/teach

it's a fulfilling life out here.
thank goodness that majority of chiang mai supports Thaksin. otherwise, i'll prolly get beaten up with a our flag on my sleeve.

a lot has been on my mind lately. whims of dads, brothers and lovers.
i realised how badly i need a father figure in my life. the irony came in thinking of my dad when i was smoking reds, because he smoked them everyday when he was still around.
i breathed in the smell of the pack, and smoked. then i pretended that he was right beside me.
so much for not wanting to be him.

i thought about it, and i've arrived at the conclusion that the figure i need most is that of a brother. i've been thoroughly disappointed by fathers, so perhaps it's time i look for another kind of love.
lovers, in this sense, can shoot themselves. their sole purpose is to aid you in wasting time, spending money and splitting your head in two, even when you're happy.
i've long forgotten any such joy, and sadly, i do not crave it anymore. it's too disappointing.

2006-03-20T15:40:00.000+08:00

No Woman, No Cry- Bob Marley

hello people i'm in thailand!
it's been a week and i love everything besides the friggin' heat, pollution and my inability to speak Thai.
:D

the best part was trying the local cigarettes.
they are like, OMG. marlboro can piss off.
i am loving every bit of chiang mai. it's nothing like the first time i went there.

:D
miss you, you and you!

2006-03-13T01:56:00.000+08:00

True- Ryan Cabrera

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

in the mood for unrequited love. :)

i can't believe i'm going to chiang mai for 2 weeks; mostly importantly, i can't believe i'm going back there.

out of precaution, i decided to get my left knee checked by my favourite chinese physician. it had been sore for a few days, and thank God it was nothing serious. apparently, it was an old injury and i could hear the "craaak" sound while he massaged it.
gone are my vaguely atheletic days.

but that's not the point.
so while waiting for my turn, i noticed something that amused me.
Ronaldo from Real Madrid was on a little pop-up display, SELLING CHINESE MEDICINE.
upon closer inspection, i highly doubt that he was even holding the cough syrup, or whatever it was. bad photoshop. he looked constipated.
how desperate was he?
haha. hahaha. :P

i mean, that's the last place- a dingy little shop in Chinatown called "Bao Zhi Lin" (taken from the movie Wong Fei Hong btw) that smells of green gung- i'll ever expect to see a football player, even if he's Singaporean. pardon me but, yeah.

so anyway, i spent my entire weekend with my family. it was a little rough at first, but things worked out. it's almost like we have to get used to being around each other so much, or rather, having me around so much.

mother was talking to me just now about my sister, and this was repeated over and over:

"your sis is not like you. you are tougher than her."

since when?
i guess such assumptions occur when people don't know you as much as they want to. i don't blame my mum for thinking that way, considering she blows up about my naivity and calculative character almost everytime i try to talk, so i don't exactly communicate productively with her often. i'm glad that has improved though, slowly but surely.

i feel really bad about how much i've neglected them. it's the people who matter most to us that silently supports whatever you do, even if it stabs them where it will hurt most.
i hope Operation Koom goes well.

2006-03-10T16:37:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

OMG!
i agree with everything except the cheating part.
i still think i can be 100% faithful.

2006-03-09T23:01:00.000+08:00

Walk On the Ocean- John Mayer

i had a fabulous 18th birthday!

it all started a few minutes before midnight,
when val came by my place with a slice of CHOCOLATE cake! sweetness please!

then i had filming (even though it was work, i love doing it so :)),
dinner at holland v. with my godma and her friends (LOVED the frozen lime margurita),
haagen daz with mum and sister,
and zouk with my bradddders. :)

tomorrow night will be something with Foursome, (haha sounds wrong)
sunday night with janice. :)

thank you people for the presents!

when life gives you shit, count the times you triumphed over it with your loved ones.

okay after all that hype,
it's time i plop back down to reality.

i've been feeling kinda ill lately. i don't exactly know what's wrong. sometimes i think i'm not physically suitable for nightlife, but i prefer it so much to daytime. the sun shines and points out all your weaknesses, but the moon and the stars allow you to care for nothing. kinda like a blanket to hide under.

i feel like i have too many doubts. i've always wondered if i would still have gotten into mass comm if my results hadn't been good enough. is passion genuinely sufficient?

it's just like music. you may love it to death, but perhaps you just can't play it. you love singing, but you quack.

i'm hardly satisfied with merely surviving year 1. i want to excel in it, but perhaps i just can't.

myself aside,
i just read that the New York Housing Authority is going to charge their poor tenants extra fees to make up for its operating deficits. tenants will have to pay 5 US bucks a month just to operate a dishwasher, run a washing machine, and other ridiculous charges like that. which means that in a day, if you wash your clothes, put food in the freezer, wash your dishes, and if your apartment happens to need repair, it can easily cost you like US$30 day. what's worse is that most of the tenants earn only an average of US$19000 a year, and that is comparatively low in the US. apparently, all this has to happen because the government isn't paying attention to the poorer section of their state.

i have an aptitiude for libel, but let's not exploit such a talent. :P

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything's better, everything's safe

Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone

And half and hour later we packed up our things
We said we'd send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed they'd already forgotten we'd came

Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone

Now we're back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people don't know you
And trust is a joke
We don't even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

2006-03-07T01:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday- The Beatles

Transamerica is a great movie.

i realised that my interest in films has rekindled. before Brokeback Mountain and North Country, i can't remember most of the films i had watched.

i'm glad that the standard of movies has improved and that their censorship is giving people the benefit of the doubt. being in mass comm gave me the opportunities to shoot films and, well, reassured me that i want to be in the industry.
it's like eating prawns- you hate the effort of peeling their shells off, but you love to eat them anyway. :)

today, val and sel were tickled pink by my ability to blink 8 times (or so sel claimed) in a second. i've always thought that everybody could do that, so i'm posting this challenge out to you!

tag me if you can blink 8 times per second too! i'm sure i'm not the only one. :D

2006-03-05T22:28:00.000+08:00

Brightest- Copeland

i realised how much families go through. often we don't bother with being conscious about them, because they seem to be there everyday. it's like they never, ever, disappear.

today was my grandpa's birthday. as usual, my grandma had to steal his limelight.

how do you stay together for 50 years?
someone called me a stubborn ass for not wanting to doll up. he said "it takes effort to look your best". it was a no-win argument. so i told him,

"i'll doll up if i believe in love again."

it's called self-fulfilling prophecy. you don't think anybody will ever care if you decide to look pretty, so you dress like a hobo. then you blame other people for not giving two farts about you because you look like a hobo.

the whole "love" thing just isn't working for me. since i don't think anyone's paying attention, why bother?

i want to be like my mum. she attracts well-off, intellectual men even though she can't apply a blush properly. but i think all that glitz only came after a bad marriage.
you see life differently after trauma, hence you're different.

i'm fast-approaching a significant age, and it took 2 seconds of my entire lifetime to realise that nothing is forever. i've always lamented that i'm too ordinary, but that's really so far from the truth. huge events have happened; they were just not worth remembering.

when my dad died, a part of him was missing: his glasses. we looked high and low for it- where he jumped, in the house, at his office, but those damned glasses just weren't there.
just when you thought you could keep a little more of someone, to possess his memory, his strength, his horrible character, his smoking habit, you didn't realise that you have it all within you.
well, i know now why i wanted those glasses as much as my mum did. i wanted to see the world through my dad's eyes. i wanted to know how he found the courage to abandon everything.
even as i love/hate him now, i want to be him. there's no other way to keep him alive. though, as Milan Kundera said, immortality can be attained by death.

but people always leave.

If you find yourself here
On my side of town
I pray that you'd come to my door

And talk to me
Like you don't know
What we ever fought about
I don't remember anymore

I just know that he warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are

And he said that I was the brightest
Little firefly in his jar

And I just know that he warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are

And he says that I am the brightest
Little firefly in his jar

this song,
is for my dad.

2006-03-03T21:57:00.000+08:00

Echo- Vertical Horizon

i bet you didn't know!

here's some trivia from this extremely amusing book, Adam's Navel, by Michael Sim:

- if your earwax is sticky, you have higher chance of contracting breast cancer. why? because the gland that produces earwax is physically related to the gland that produces milk in your boobs.

- the rastafari culture is actually to worship God!

- the ear is considered erotic because it looks like the vagina. which is why the vulva (the vaginal opening) is sometimes referred to as the "ear between the legs".

now this is what fascinated me most:

The lacrimal gland... [produces] tears that trickle down through minute tubules onto the surface of the eye. In its periodic blinks, the eyelid spreads te fluid evenly across the surface, then quickly rinses and performs the job again a few seconds later... The tears washing the eye are gathered by two small ducts ... These are visible. Many people think that these ducts, which you can see if you get close enough to the mirror, create the tears. Instead, ... the ducts actually serve as rainsprouts to gather the accumulated moisture and channel it into the lacrimal sac in the side of the nose. From there it drains into the nasal cavity About a quarter of the moisture produced evaporates from the surface of the eye, but the rest finds its way into these ducts or spills out onto the face in the form of tears. The resulting nasal drainage is why, when a sad movie... causes tears, we sniffle as the water accumulates.

isn't our body amazing?
though i seriously "concur" (quote heikal.. hahaha) that i see no purpose in attaching two sexually-sensitive things at the side of our heads.

i can't wait till i share this with all the thai children we're visiting. :P
KIDDING!

2006-03-03T14:15:00.000+08:00

This Sad Song- The Observatory

local bands are really not bad, you know.
i just think that talent can be found on every piece of land, and they don't necessarily have to speak with an american accent. or have blue eyes.

the meeting for Chiang Mai today was superbly horrible.
i mean, just when you're set on doing something worthwhile and meaningful for other people,
some inconspicuous person just has to ruin it.

people can really disappoint.

well anyway, here's something completely unrelated.

have you ever wondered why those street people poachers pick you to be their 'new face'? no doubt they pull dozens of girls out of the crowd everyday, but have you ever asked, "why me"?
my answer?
i look like i might be dumb enough to believe they'll bring me somewhere.
let me just say that i'm not generalizing, because there are beautiful girls out there who are star material.
but for me, i've concluded that i look like an easy dupe target. it's kind of like paying them to help me waste my time daydreaming. i can't sing, i can't dance (clubbing doesn't count) and i'm too short to deliver good kisses with my Jake Gyllenhal.
what's worse is that many girls have trouble avoiding this lesson.
or perhaps i'm just being practical?
fortunately, i'm not as stupid as i look. ;)

of that i blindly posted into the class blog yesterday. hahaha.

today's lesson: how to be a good friend.

2006-03-01T00:41:00.000+08:00

Let Me Fall- Bethany Joy Lenz

this song has kind of mesmerized me.

year 1 is, officially, over. and such a show of enthusiasm!

10 things i hate about myself the past 11 months:

- i am common.
- i am too outgoing. it's to an extent where all your friends are somewhat prettier than you and you're kind of, invisible but outgoing.
- i have become a smarter commercial pirate than before.
- i have allowed my food addiction to go full-fledge in operation.
- i have grown fatter.
- let's not mention my fitness level.
- i have contributed significantly in giving greater symbolism to the label "bitch".
- i am more careless than i used to be.
- i have become everything i told myself i wouldn't be. besides being a non-virgin, of course.
- i have reverted to taking care of my conflicting self-interests.

it is of great importance to evaluate yourself every now and then. :)

after evaluation comes resolutions:

- i shall minimise all unhealthy habits that i have picked up.
- i must learn to cherish all that i have around me.
- i must learn the true meaning of contentment.
- i will set aside a day where i'll be completely and utterly alone, with a movie, starbucks and full day shopping all thrown in, preferably on a weekend.
- i will put in the effort to resemble more of a part of my family.
- of course, to upkeep my long-term relationships.

right now, i personify grapes and cucumbers.

and if i cry a little,
die a little,
at least i know i lived,
just a little.

2006-02-26T23:15:00.000+08:00

Beep- Pussycat Dolls feat. Will.I.Am

ah, some things are better left unsaid.
which was exactly why they were.

it's not that i feel too good about raising the white flag all the time; just that the helpless feeling tends to be overwhelming.
i guess certain relationships can never work out. i've always thought how sad and pathetic it is to have stories like "turn left, turn right" actualizing in real life, but the truth is that things like that occur every single day, at the most unexpected moment. we tend to miss chances in favour of our impassive-stricken reality.

which is why one cannot help but believe he or she can never change the way things are. so, give up and pretend your ears are clean.

on a more optimistic note, my semester will officially come to an end in less than 48 hours, though it also means i don't exactly have a lot of time to prepare for that 40% medisoc test.
you know, the way we join words together, like 'locvid' for Location Video Production and 'medisoc' for Media in Society, reminds me of the Newspeak language used in 1984.
merely wondering. :)

2006-02-24T17:06:00.000+08:00

The Masterplan- Oasis

"if women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."

guess who said that!
Aristotle!

having had a rather strenous mental workout some time ago, i've found an interest in greek philosophers of such. and here's another one is by Aristotle, on politics:

"men (in general) are born marked, some are kings, leaders, while most are slaves. for that some should rule and others be ruled is a thing not only necessary, but expedient; from the hour of their birth some are marked out for subjections, some for rule... it is clear, then, that some men are by nature free, and others slaves, and that for these latter slavery is both expedient and right."

do you agree?

and i like this one, also by him:

"Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence."

and fill in this for me!
http://kevan.org/johari?name=lambie01
and this
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=lambie01

we'll dance if they wanna dance
please brother take a chance
you know they're gonna go
which way they wanna go
all we know is that we don't
know how it's gonna be
please brother let it be
life on the other hand
won't make you understand
we're all part of the masterplan

2006-02-22T15:08:00.000+08:00

Slide- Goo Goo Dolls

i have finally fixed up my blog, even if it took me 3 hours leeching on designer's codes. :P
it's all based on my favourite dave matthews band song.

and look!

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them
You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky
You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter
It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait

How Do Men See You?

hahaha.

so anyway, i'm currently employed by a buffet restaurant. jj, dan and i were feeling darn cocky when we took up the job interviews. hahaha. it was as though everybody else looked a little more desperate, and we were simply cruising through every opportunity. i like. ;)

this is a point in life where it feels more like the end of the year than December 31st. perhaps it's just finishing the school term; i'm really not sure. all i know is that i have to look forward to a start of something else.

i remember the last time i felt that way was when i received my O level results. i literally felt as though some kind of grown-up mentality overwhelmed me at the instant i knew what i wanted to do with my life. right now, i'm living my dream, my aspiration, even though it turns out that i have to fall harder if i really want to follow through.
honestly, i don't know if change is a consequence. i guess we all gradually stay out more, come home later, spend less time with our family, or so i thought. a few nights ago, i relinquished yet another realization that i'm still undisputedly the badass of the family; the one who comes home late all the time, stays at everybody's place except her own, don't eat proper meals, raving animal, bad influence, whatever.

i was never good enough, and in their eyes, i'm certainly not improving now.
it was hurting to hear all that from my kin, but i suppose i cannot say those words are unjustified. perhaps my world has become narrower and it is no longer a priority to regard how they look at me.

again, the selfishness of my nature. apparently, i'm exactly like my dad. i love him still but i never want to end up like him. never.
though, i'll be glad if he can find me an angel.

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
Oh May, put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide

2006-02-18T22:42:00.000+08:00

Run It (remix)- Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana

mmmmph!

and this is how we roll!

T108/103

our first-ever hat-cum-heels day. long skirt day didn't work out. hahaha.

the girls! most of us anyway.

this is sel. she is the class mama! and yes, she is a three-time winner of Mrs Singapore. i wanted to use the close-up of her nostrils but, haha i'm nice! :D

kristy! i'll be looking forward to be on your Cannes Film Festival guest list please!

jiun and shear, and the duck beside them. it's truly affinity! one a fellow newtowner, another my primary school friend (whom i still clearly recall her 12th birthday party. HAHA remember jocelyn and wei chong trying to hide behind the sofa?). love you guys!

val! i tell you she's a bad influence but i love her anyways. :D look at her! so cheeky!

and this is crystal, who is very random. :P plus she's a yoga person so she's fit! unlike yours truly who hasnt moved for two months.

anto! "ya balls!" is pretty much her favourite line.

the first on the right is fizah, whom i don't have an individual picture of. she's a SERIOUS techie, so don't mess with her. she can make your pictures look ugly as hell and do all the really cool stuff on photoshop and flash and everything. coolness!

okay, now for the male version of the human anatomy:

this here is JJ. i'm purposely putting this picture because he says he doesnt look good in it. HA! i think he's a bit MCP sometimes but he's still a good guy to be around. :P

here is danial, looking all serious. calls me a small girl just because he's kind of tall. he has great taste in music :D personal note to him: don't leave mass comm okay.

this is joel, the nicest guy in the world! he makes very good carbonara and ham and cheese toasts. basically, he's a good cook. please go to The Outsiders cafe behind Tanglin Mall to support him!

lucas! baller-cum-englishman. hahaha. i like this picture.

this is nat Boon, better known as kia wa.

so you see, mass comm is a great course because it's made up of interesting and fun-loving YET hardworking people (even if there is the fair share of unpleasant folks and weirdos). not to forget

our first (and ONLY! sigh) sentosa trip,

our job as facilitators on Fraser's Hill in KL,

my Apple group, Amigos!,

the COOLEST locvid crew ever, Back Alley Productions (haha),

having tons of fun as FMS Ambassadors,

jumping for joy on a hard day,

and smiles that never die. :)

2006-02-17T02:04:00.000+08:00

The Space Between- Dave Matthews Band

"i wish i knew how to quit you".

brokeback mountain was a great film, though i wish i could have caught it in the cinema instead.
i mean, i was hardly disgusted by the gay scenes. this is the first time i can look at 2 men having sex and think of them as a couple. then feel sad whenever they quarrel, and cry when one of them got bludgered to death because people realised he was gay.
i wish i knew how to quit you.

my sister has been sick for the past 3 days, vomitting and burning up. it's kind of weird how we both seem to share similar experiences at the same period of our lives. when i was starting sec 1, i got so ill that i had to take pills the size of eyeballs. well, about that size. i coughed so much then that i actually became skinny and developed asthma.

strange. and that's why we are sisters, though if i had a choice i'll want to be the baby, so that you have someone to blame for setting a bad example. my mum always uses that against me. honestly, i'm not exactly adept at taking care of people, much less at being a role model. i think some will remember me as the band's head Quartermistress with a tattoo. sigh.

i tell you, i'm not leadership material. people have trouble deciding which of my two heads to follow.

The space between
Where you smile and hide
Is where you’ll find me if I get to go

2006-02-13T23:27:00.000+08:00

Serendipity- John Mayer

last saturday was my aunt's church wedding. i'll tell you why it's great. i'll tell you why i believe my lonely life can be a feasible and pleasant and beautiful one.

the ceremony went on like normal, and i read the scripture for my aunt and all. i was kind of nervous really, since i would say that i had never done many important things for other people too often. however, just when everyone was about to doze off, my future (now current) uncle decided to do something unrehearsed. he decided to tell everyone their love story.

basically, my uncle was a truck driver who had been in love with my aunt ever since he knew her. and for 10 years, he didn't dare to say a thing because my aunt's a degree-holding teacher; because he felt she would never love someone as lowly-educated as he was.
but by God's grace, they did. what touched me was that my aunt's 41 and my now uncle is already almost 50. it took them more than 10 years to come this far, to finally stand at the altar and pledge their lives to God and each other.
then my uncle sang her a cantonese song which i couldn't understand nuts of but made me cry anyway. then my grandma stood up halfway and applauded with tears in her wrinkled eyes. it was as though you could feel all the love my uncle had for my aunt, and it moved everyone in the church.
sure they can probably never have children and a lot of other parenting joys, but if i have to wait 3 decades for a man like that,

well, let's just say i now comprehend how it's humanly possible. :)

i honestly cannot see the kind of guy that i'll date in the future, if i ever do. sometimes i think i'm ruining it for myself with the partying and the drinking and the smokes, but i'll always convince my head into believing how a guy who really likes me will not care about all that.

"everyone can't be replaced, because we are all made up of beautiful details." - Before Sunset

so anyway, the players&swingers party was great. apparently joshua from I Not Stupid Too was spotted ferociously snogging a rather ugly girl (according to chee heng). then bao and i tagged along to ho ho's place. it was HUGE. his bedroom was twice mine. his living room was my whole house.
okay i'm pushing it a little. :P

and right now, haivng been inspired by jj's blog, i've decided to close this entry with a dedication to t108/t103, the 20 (or so) people whom i have cried, laughed and breathed with to the point of communal exhaustion.

crap, sth's wrong with photo blogger.
i'll try again later!

what matters though, is that i thank God for our class, that even though we've had our disputes and internal warfares, we have also our moments of sticking by each other, grinning faces and bawling together during very good movies :)
but of course, if i were to list all the good stuff down i'll take a semester! mass comm will never be the same without you guys:

anto JJ eunice valerieee sel kristy crystalTheyogamaster (HAHA i just HAD to say that) dan the man (don't leave mass comm please!) lucy nattyboon KL russell evangeline joel a.ka. nicestguyintheworld mei'an jiun (i tell you it's FATE :P) fizzyfizah shearrrrr (i didn't know how i survived 10 years wit this one! hurhurhur *MUACKS!) sarah (all the best in pursuing music!) and uh, myself! hahaha shite i'm thick-skinned. :D

and this was how time whizzed by and left dozens of traces.